As a grocery store night manager, one of the unpleasant things that I have to deal with on a nightly basis are shoplifters. How do I deal with them? To be honest, for the most part, I don't. Don't get me wrong -- I've had to call a few parents to come pick up their kids after someone happens to notice them slipping a pack of cigarettes into their pockets. And there's a few people we know by sight -- mostly toothless white trash types who come into the store half-drunk around three in the morning and just kind of wander around. These guys we've had to deal with enough that I can reasonably sure that they're relatively harmless. When I see them, I just make it a point to always be casually following a step or two behind them and that usually gets rid of them. If following them doesn't work, I just walk up and ask them how they're doing and if I can help them find anything. Most of them are so scared of actually getting into any sort of real trouble that they'll leave as soon as anyone talks to them.

But for the rest of the petty thieves who seem to always find time to stop off at my store, caution usually takes the place of duty. The world's not a safe place -- especially around three in the morning and a lot of late night retail workers have gotten shot over the past couple of years over a pack of cigarettes or six-pack of beer. I vaguely enjoy my job, I do try to do it well, and I appreciate the fact that I'm getting paid way too much money for doing the same work that a trained monkey could probably do for free. I appreciate and I thank the company but I'm still not taking a bullet for the store. In short, if you can get out the front door without paying, congratulations and fuck you.

That being said, the amount of theft at my store is really -- well, it is insane. Right now, we are being plagued by one master criminal in specific. Now, I've never actually seen this guy but I've heard enough about him that I feel like I could identify him in a line-up. Apparently, he is a tall, rather stocky white male in his late '30s/early '40s. He has reddish blonde hair that he wears in a flat-top hair style. As I said, he's a bit overweight and has a large double chin that more or less consumes his entire neck. Most nights, he's usually had a few red shaving nicks across his chin and apparently, he's still trying to master that whole shaving concept as the side of his face is spotted with random splotches of red beard. He usually has his mouth slightly open. As one of the cashiers explained to me, "He just looks really slow and stupid."

He may be stupid but the man apparently is not slow because for the past year or so, once a week, he has come into the store, grabbed a shopping cart, and gone over to aisle seven. Once at aisle seven, he fills up the cart with diapers -- Huggies, size 7. He gets as many diapers as he can into that cart and then he takes off running and, before anyone has barely even noticed him, he rushes through the front doors and pushing the diaper-laden cart in front of him, he disappears down the street. The police have been called on him and have never even been able to find the guy. People -- customers and even a few foolish employees -- have chased him on foot and have never been able to catch up to this overweight, middle-aged man with a diaper-laden shopping cart in front of him. Most disturbingly is the fact that a month ago, one of the store managers -- Rusty -- actually jumped in his pickup truck and chased after the guy and this guy -- get this -- easily managed to outrun the truck.

Well, the guy struck again last night -- a few minutes before I arrived at the store, apparently as when I did arrive at work, everyone was wandering around the store looking for clues and Rusty was cussing up a storm under his breath. But get this -- along with hundreds of diapers, this guy has also been stealing Wal-Mart shopping carts. Well, last night, even as he stole another one, he returned the one he absconded with the previous week. We know this because the cart itself was somewhat infamous in the store because the two front wheels had a nasty habit of freezing up whenever anyone tried to make a left turn. In fact, we were all kinda happy when he stole it last week because there's not an employee at that store who hasn't -- at some point -- tried to push that cart out of the way just to have the damn thing nearly flip over when the wheels suddenly went into lock down.

So, of course, last night, the bastard actually returned it to us, leaving it as a gift out in the parking lot (and yes, it did flip over later in the night when I tried to push it in) and apparently exchanging it for a less defective model.

Now, as annoying as all this melodrama is, I can't help but kinda be happy that this guy has decided to come to my store. After all, everyone needs a nemesis and I think I have found mine. So, enjoy you foul crimes while you may, Diaper Bandit, because your days are numbered. Someday, I will manage to catch you before you get out that door and then, when you're at mercy, that's when you'll have to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?  ¶ 5:28 PM